A Guide for Women Who Want a Better Man
A Guide for Women Who Want a Better Man
By Wayne M. Levine
I receive a lot of very interesting phone calls and emails from women who are frustrated, sad, hysterical, angry, frightened, hopeless and who desperately want something to change—NOW!
These women, who are in great emotional pain, want a better relationship, a new relationship, a more loving husband, greater intimacy, to be cherished and respected, for their kids to have a good male role model, or to live happily into their senior years with their best friend.
Some of these women ask about matchmaking services. They figure, “If you’re making better men, will you introduce me to one of them?” Well, no. I don’t matchmake. My job is tough enough as it is. But what I can do is share some wisdom that may help you support your man to be a better man, father or husband, or help you to be the kind of woman who will attract that better man.
Find Your Voice
If you didn’t have a voice in your home when you were a girl, it’s likely you haven’t had a voice in your relationship, either. That means you’ve gone along to get along, to avoid conflict. That never works in the long term. How you feel matters. What you believe has merit. To be in a relationship as an equal, you have to respect yourself enough to find your voice and learn to tell the truth, to yourself and your man.
Don’t Accept the Unacceptable
You’re in a lousy relationship or have suffered through a series of such relationships because you accepted behavior from him that was unacceptable. Usually these red-flag behaviors were present from the start but you chose to ignore them hoping you could change him and live happily ever after. All that does is set a precedent for those behaviors to continue. Stop being the victim and demand better for yourself.
Relinquish Any Notion of Having Control Over Him
We are controlling—both men and women—when we feel insecure in our environment. We desperately and often unconsciously attempt to protect ourselves and make ourselves feel comfortable and safe because of previous unpleasant experiences and trauma.
That control always extends to him. He might initially go along with you because of the upside of having you in his life. Maybe he liked Mommy to take care of him. Maybe he didn’t have the self-confidence to lead his own life. But eventually, being controlled will push most men away and they’ll blame you entirely for it—even though they were complicit.
You really have no control. What you do have is the ability to be your best you, and to invite those you care about to have honest and loving relationships with you.
Seek Joy in Your Life
What’s the point of working so hard if you can’t experience joy? It’s a question men and women ask themselves. It’s such a shame most people don’t demand to have joy in their lives.
Many people have no idea what true joy feels like, let alone how to find it. It exists, despite what your life may have shown you. Spiritual readings, taking some risks by doing new things, and finding happier and more energetic friends, can help you discover the joy that’s waiting for you.
Receive Support from Women
Do not do this alone. Cultivate relationships with other women you respect, who have relationships like the one you want to have, who are connected to their sensuality and celebrate being women. You can learn from these women and share your wisdom with them.
Don’t Forget About Your Relationship
Are you focusing all your energy on your kids, living vicariously through them? Know what happens to marriages like that? They disappear when the kids leave the nest.
Fear, frustration, sadness and hopelessness may be keeping you from continuing to seek solutions to your relationship issues. Don’t quit! Your marriage and happiness depend on it.
Learn Your Lessons
Whatever caused your last relationship to end badly is just waiting to do the same to your next relationship. Learning your lessons can be painful and painstaking. But there’s no shortcut to becoming the best woman you can be. Like all things important, this will take commitment, time, energy and sweat. But do it and you’ll not regret it.
Put Your Kids First
The biggest mistake single women can make is to forget that their children must always come first. That means not throwing them under the bus in your attempt to attract a man.
Do not introduce your kids to a man until you are certain it’s a relationship that has long-term potential. That means several months at the very least.
I tell men, if a woman introduces you prematurely to her kids, it’s a sign of loose boundaries and other hidden issues. Don’t be that woman. Respect your kids by carefully introducing a new man into their lives. Otherwise, they’ll likely experience serious negative consequences.
Take Care of Yourself
Be fit. Eat well. Dress attractively. Be proud of yourself and your appearance. All of this, combined with the other efforts you’ll make if you follow these suggestions, will help you to be the finest woman you can be. That’s gotta make a difference!
Stop complaining to yourself, to your husband and certainly to the men you’re dating. I can’t begin to tell you the horrific stories I’ve heard from men about their initial dates. If you want to attract a solid man, don’t talk about your past relationships until well down the line. Don’t whine about life, politics or finances. Be positive. Talk about what you love to do, eat or visit.
Complaining is what we do when we’re too lazy to make changes. I recommend making the changes.
Remember, if you’re single, you’re going to meet a man who is a good match for the woman you are today. If you’re happy with who you are, you’ll meet a man who appreciates who you are. If you ignore the work you need to do to learn your lessons, you’ll continue to meet that same wrong guy.
If you’re married, remember nothing will change until you expect and demand better for yourself, your kids and your relationship. You have the power. It’s now time to make the commitment and get the support you need to see it through. Good luck, ladies.
Wayne M. Levine, M.A., is a men’s life coach and director of BetterMen Coaching in Agoura Hills. He teaches men to be the best men, fathers, husbands and leaders they can be through individual, couples and group coaching, both in office and via the phone. Wayne is also author of the best-selling Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men. Find out more and purchase a copy of Wayne’s book at www.bettermencoaching.com.