Recipe That Makes Relationships Work
The Recipe That Makes a Relationship Go Wrong & How to Make it Right
By M. Bayrakdar
I am sure all of us have heard that over 50% of marriages end up in divorce. In most cases the effect of this fact can be extremely devastating to the people involved, including the children who get caught in the middle.
The underlying reason that causes a couple to have conflict or even split apart is that the energy of one of the partners changes. A gap is created when one of the partner’s energy changes, which creates a distance between the two of them. This distance comes about because each of the partners began to operate at different speeds, making it difficult or even impossible for them to relate to each other.
If one person in the couple starts to a have lower energy because of stress, injury, loss or illness and the other stays the same, the person with the dropped energy must struggle to keep up with their partner.
For example, two cars were moving along, side by side, eye to eye and relating to each other at 70 miles per hour. If one of the cars drops down and starts to operate at 50 miles per hour, it falls far behind while the faster car moves way ahead. In a relationship, when a gap of energy is created between the partners, this distance means that neither partner can see eye to eye in the area where the gap exists in the relationship.
They both begin to operate at different speeds and the distance between them causes them to even adopt different interests. The partner who has more energy begins to become more outdoors to match their energy and the other starts to become more indoors and less active to accommodate their energy.
Each partner’s reality becomes different and this difference in reality causes each partner to see things from a different perspective. Seeing things from different perspectives causes major conflicts. It is as if each partner’s reality becomes different and because of the difference in reality, each partner makes different decisions that will be based on how each sees it from their own reality.
In other words, the person with the lower energy is like the slower car who finds the faster car to be impatient, overwhelming and at times even reckless. On the other hand the person with the higher energy is like the faster car who finds the slower car to be boring, fearful or even lazy.
When a person’s energy changes for the higher or the lower, they start to experience a change in their personality. They develop a different way of thinking and even adopt different hobbies, add new friends to their life or eliminate old friends to match their existing energies.
These changes cause each person to accuse the other one of being different and changed, when in reality the change in a person’s energy is what caused the change in their personality.
If a couple have different backgrounds in one area than their partner, this will create a gap or even conflicts in the relationship until it is recognized and resolved by both partners.
For example, let’s say that one of the partners had a great childhood. They experienced the feeling of being loved and gained the feeling of safety and security from one or both parents. On the other hand, the other partner did not have a parent(s) who gave them the feeling of being loved so, they never gained the feeling of security and safety that their partner gained.
Obviously, one of the partners will possess high energy in the area of being loved and feel safe and secure. The feeling of being loved along with the feelings of safety and security provides that high energy to that person in that area of their life.
On the other hand, the partner who did not experience the same feelings of being loved in their childhood, will not possess the same high energy in the area of being loved so, will not have the advantage of feeling safe and secure in that area.
The one person who possesses the higher energy because they experienced feeling loved will be operating at a higher level of speed because they are more self- assured in that area. The other person who did not experience feeling loved in their childhood will be operating at a lower level of speed because they did not gain the feelings of safety and security in that area and may suffer from the lack of it even into adulthood.
Now, back to the example. The partner with the lower energy in the area of love becomes like the slower car who is operating at a slow speed or slower speed than their partner and that makes them feel unsafe and insecure in that area.
Now you have two people who love each other yet they fight like cats and dogs, not knowing how to keep up with each other in that area of difference.
Not recognizing the cause of that gap in their relationship that is making one of them become insecure and feel less safe than their partner and not knowing how to shrink the gap in their energy to catch up with each other, will start to create resentment between the couple.
Compassion is always required. When you recognize that your loved one is struggling to keep up with you because you possess the higher energy or speed, it is important not to fall into a pattern called the Bully.
It is obvious that nobody in a relationship says, “ I will make the person I love miserable on purpose.” So, what happens when two people are triggering each other left and right? The problem happens when one of the partners with the higher energy does not want to slow down enough to accommodate their partner with the lower energy. On the other hand, the partner with the lower energy cannot keep up with the partner with the higher energy. This can be the beginning of misunderstandings and resentment.
There are instances where one partner starts to do cardio exercises that cause their energy to go up, while the other partner simply does not exercise, which keeps their energy the same. This can create a gap in their energy and cause problems to occur because their interests and behaviors start to change.
The partner with the higher energy needs to recognize that as they move ahead with their energy, they gain more power, so they need to be compassionate and understanding to their partner if they began to feel left behind. On the other hand, the partner with the lower energy needs to understand that their partner’s new energy and power was gained from exercising and be careful not to restrict or limit them. They must feel secure enough in their partner’s love, even though their partner begins to operate at a higher energy or speed.
This realization of each other’s capabilities can prevent problems. Understanding the reason for this gap, may motivate the partner with the lower energy to do things to increase their energy to shorten the gap between the two of them.
You don’t have to be with someone who is compatible to you to be happy. You can be happy with someone who is complimentary to you as well. So, if your partner was compatible to you at some point in the relationship and they are no longer compatible to you, don’t rush and start thinking of separation or divorce. It is okay if you both become complimentary to each other. In other words, your partner has what you lack or need and you have what they lack or need.
The understanding and acceptance of each other’s capacities will stop or even prevent the feelings of jealously or resentment that may occur from feeling that one of you is weaker than the other.
When you see that your partner is ahead of you in one area, allow them to go ahead and advance without feeling angry and insecure. Remember to keep looking at the benefits that you will both reap in the long run when one of you is making progress and moving ahead in one area. Your partner must trust you enough to let you keep on going.
The person who is moving ahead with the empowered new energy, which will create new experiences for that person, must not keep their partner in the dark. They should keep the partner with the lower energy updated with their new experiences so they can be shared together and be on the same wave length. This can prevent them from feeling left out and scared of not being loved.
People’s energy changes every second, so just because your energy changed for the better or the worse, would you want your partner to leave or divorce you? Nobody wants that, so you should not be doing the same. When people do not understand that the distance or gap was caused by the change in their energy, they start blaming it on conscious things such as money, kids, work etc.
It is the change in people’s energy that causes them to appear different because their behavior becomes different. It is not mainly the money, the kids, the car etc. that people usually blame for these changes. Let’s face it, there are people who have gone through worse circumstances and still loved each other. Why? They stayed together because they were able to find compassion for each other in the areas where there was a distance or a gap between them.
My last piece of advice to everyone in a relationship.
When you start thinking of your loved one as family, things will work but, when you start thinking of your loved one as a stranger, things will go wrong.