Mother’s day is around the corner, since 2006 I’ve stopped acknowledging this celebration. I lost my Mother to ovarian cancer that year. Mother’s Day to me has been a reminder of her pain & my loss. On Mother’s day as a silent protest against the universe, I stay home. I decline my boyfriends’ invitation to celebrate with his Mother. I curl up on the couch with my favorite blanket accompanied by my dogs.
On this day I had made plans to do breakfast with a friend in Hollywood. We agreed to try a new place, Kitchen24. I walked in and immediately I felt at home. I loved the spacious 1950 style, the comfy booth I was sat in, I loved the bar, and the mirrors placed all along the wall added to its overall appeal.
After a careful look at the menu, my friend ordered the Wakey Wakey Eggs & Bakey Breakfast. I of course chose to make my own; egg whites with mushrooms and spinach. To drink I ordered fresh squeezed orange juice. While waiting for breakfast, the dessert menu kept grabbing my attention. I noticed they had cupcakes made fresh daily. My friend and I agreed after breakfast to maybe entertaining a dessert option.
Breakfast was delish, portions were large and beyond sufficient. Done. I put my sunglasses on. I sat there with my Hollywood attitude, impatient, waiting for the check. I didn’t understand why I kept gravitating to the dessert menu so I gave in and grabbed it for careful consideration.
“Das Cupcake”, stood out. The waiter informed us we had to wait five minutes since the cupcakes had just come out of the oven and they needed to cool down. “Fresh out of the oven, sold!” I thought. Since we were both on a diet, we ordered one to share.
Anticipating dessert, I split it right down the middle. A half for me and the other for my friend. I took my first bite into the most amazing cupcake I have ever had. While my pallet marveled my mind agreed, “of course, it’s German cake. I love German cake.” I had another bite, and another, “yummy, the chocolate flavor, the coconut frosting”. Finally the last wonderful morsel, I couldn’t get enough, “heavenly chocolate clouds of soft delicate flavor”. Almost frantic I bit down on a last single pecan that adorned the cupcake; I was instantly reminded of meine Mutter (my Mother). This cupcake had her spirit, her heavenly complexion, her soft delicate nature and her honest and giving attitude.
I was transported to a time when I was 9, my mother took my two sisters and I to this café, spacious, mirrors on the wall, we sat on a booth where we shared the biggest chocolate German cake three little girls had ever seen. This was a good memory, of a happy time. My mother was young and healthy and we were happy.
I now remember we would continue with this tradition from time to time. Sometimes she would bring home German cake, I loved when she would take us to this café. I love German cake. I loved it I thought because it was sweet. But now years later I realized that I loved this German cake not only because a child loves sugary sweets but also because that was how my Mother expressed her love, with food. So many years of anger, so may years I didn’t think she understood me or thought she loved me. With this epiphany I felt like the most loved person in the entire universe. I never went hungry. My mother cooked for me everyday, fresh healthy delicious food. How I miss my mother, how I miss her cooking and her being.
As I write this story I cannot help but become overwhelm with emotion and today I remember, not the pain, not the hurt, not the loss, but I remember her love, I remember the joy. Though she may not have said the words “I love you” before she left, the universe reminded me she loved me everyday in her own way. And in a way she told me she loved me this day with Das Cupcake. And I just want to say I love you too Mom!