Shadow of Uncertainty
For the last week and a half I am living with this sad shadow of uncertainty. I don’t know how to feel and don’t know why I feel happy or sad. Even when I am happy, it is tainted with a little sadness. It is a sadness that I am not willing to let go. It is a sadness that I feel guilty of even wanting to shed. It is a sadness that will probably be with me for a long time.
My dad may be dying any day now. He has been sick for many years. For the past five years, he’s been in and out of hospitals after he fell and broke his skull running to save his cat when she ran into the parking lot. He had emergency surgery but was not completely healed when he forced the hospital to release him prematurely and went back home. Then he had another fall and another brain surgery, and that was the end of his freedom. He has been bedridden and getting worse ever since. Two weeks ago the doctors called my brother and asked him if he would consider moving our father to hospice care because they do not believe he will get better.
I’m going to see my father in a few days. I want to see him one more time while he is still alive. Both my sons will come with me. They want to support me and see their grandfather. I am looking forward to spending time with my mother, my sons, my brothers and their families. It will be good to reminisce about old times before we have to start planning more serious things.
My brother and I talk everyday. We are learning to let go of a lot of grievances. They do not matter anymore. Everyone does what they can do to the best of their abilities at the time. Our father was, at times, a difficult man but, no matter what, he is our father and we are not ready to say good-bye. We know it is best for our father to be at peace, so instead of praying to prolong his life, we are all praying for his peaceful departure. Amen.